Have you ever wanted to know something real bad? Real real bad? So bad you'd do anything to figure it out?

I was like that a year ago when a friend of mine died in a car accident.

I needed to know desperately whether an afterlife actually existed, and if so, whether he was happy or, if the street preachers with the big signs were right, he was boiling alive in a lake of fire.

After much studying into ritual texts like the Key of Solomon and Japanese mythology about the spirits of inanimate objects, I finally found a way to get the answers I needed.

I have never regretted something so deeply before in my life.

I will tell you what to do to get the answers you seek, but I cannot stress enough how you should not do this casually. The price you will pay for the knowledge should not be spent on something as trivial as asking whether your crush likes you or not. This is only for the desperate. The extremists. For those willing to throw their lives away.

I am writing this with a loaded pistol next to me, ready to use the second I upload this.

Items you will need for the ritual:

Salt
A very sharp knife (I recommend a hobby knife or a scalpel if you can get one)
Blackout curtains if where you're conducting it has windows
Four groups of four candles, preferably made with animal fat.
Matches (no lighters, only matches)
A working copy of Haunted House and something to play it with (original hardware or emulators)
A clock

First you must encircle the area you playing in with the salt. At each corner of the circle, place four candles. Place your tv/computer monitor and console/computer as close as you can manage to the center.

Make sure your room is as pitch black as you can manage it. Use your blackout curtains, towels, blankets, anything to blot out light not coming from your matches, your candles, and your electronics used in the ritual.

Wait until 3:50 AM/0350, and then reverently light the candles while chanting "Ignis. Vermis. Memoriae." Do NOT break the salt circle or blow out any of the candles or you won't live long to regret it.

At 4:00 AM/0400, cut the end of a finger and drip the blood onto the console/computer, then turn the game on.

Any game mode past 1 should work, but for convenience sake I'd suggest running game mode 2.

Explore the house as usual and collect all of the urn pieces. Once collected, instead of bolting it to the entrance per usual, wander the house while chanting in real life "Parley, parley, Old Man Graves, come and parley!" If you run into a tarantula or a bat during this, you may feel a crawling of hairy legs on your neck or the flapping of leathery wings in your room. Ignore them and continue looking for the ghost.

Once you find the ghost in-game, let him come to you. When he touches your avatar (a pair of eyes), you will know its working when the game zooms in on the eyes looking everywhere and rolling back as horrible sounds pulse .. - - .... .. -. -.- ...

A man covered in a dirty burial shroud will slowly emerge from your display device. All of your candles will be blown out at the same time. If you made the salt circle right, it will not be able to leave it, and the smoke of the candles gives you a visible wall within the circle. The blood you dripped before gives you dominion over him. Without it, he'd use every ounce of his spiritual being laying curses upon you.

At this point you may ask him your question. He will tell you everything you wanted to know, and much much more you didn't.

To end the ritual, rip away the blackout curtains, flip a light switch, do anything to flood the area with light. His form in the real world will disappear, replaced with the ghost sprite in-game filling the screen. The screen will stay like this sending bursts of that same horrible sound in a -. -.-- .- .-. .-.. .- - .... --- - . .--. rhythm. Turn off the console/close the emulator and wait 24 hours before you use the machine again.

No language on Earth could even begin to describe what he told me, and I cannot bear to think of it for long.

Nothing's been right since.

I know the brains are thinking.

I know the eyes see me.

I know the televisions at night turn on by themselves and display horrible things to children.

I know the wolf will come back to his den and slaughter the lost intruder.

I know all of this and much much more

How could I pretend everything is fine after knowing what I know?